My Top 100 Quotes

I'll humbly admit that I'm an anecdotal man (a raconteur if you will) and as such, I love a tale with a good punch line.  The anecdotes with the best punch lines are those where the story leads up to a particular quote.  Over the years, I've tried to document the strange and oftentimes inappropriate remarks of friends, family members and other odd encounters.

Now, years in the making and a couple of weeks in the ranking come my top 100 quotes of all time.  I didn't just throw one hundred together all willy-nilly.  Many of you know me to be a pragmatic and punctilious man, so for that reason, I wrote down about two hundred of the most frequently referenced and/or mocked statements that popped into my head, created a rubric to rate them and rearranged them in ascending order.  Voila!

Before you go any further, let me just throw down a disclaimer - just because the quote is on my website and in the my top 100 does not mean that it was said by me (check the credit to see who it was stated by), nor does it mean that I agree with, support or endorse that person's views.  This is an objective collection in that all of these statements are equally made fun of by most folks I know.

These statements were ranked based on four qualities: incorporation into personal vernacular, impact on the lexicon of others, invokes the legacy of the individual cited, objective humor.  In short, these are the phrases that are mocked the most by my friends and I, quotes that define the personalities of the individuals saying them, quotes that will live on forever.  So, before I begin, I give you ten honorable mentions to provide you with an idea as to what you're getting into should you continue.  Enjoy.

Ten Honorable Mentions

 

• "They had to wrap my whole face in bandages and my teachers said that I was so ugly that they couldn’t teach me, so I just had to sit in the hallway for seven hours a day.  That’s what friendship gets you.  So never say someone has the same nose as you, ever!" – Choir director Deborah Thurston to a 7 year-old, making the child cry.

 

• "Go to hell, Mary" – Marcella Kaelin.  The Kaelins were gathered for the UK vs UL game and the only relative not in attendance was Mary Kaelin, for she was the lone UL fan in the family.  Once UL won, the phone rang.  Marcella picked up the phone, immediately said this phrase and hung up, not giving the individual on the other side of the line a chance to answer.

 

• "Oh, Diane Lane was absolutely fantastic in ‘Under the Tuscan Sun.’ Every time she’d say a line, I kept moaning, saying ‘Ooh’ or ‘Aah.’ I’m surprised you didn’t send in an usher to make sure there wasn’t a sticky mess all over the floor." – Louis Helman, commenting on ‘Under the Tuscan Sun’

 

• "You’ve got to build in the laughs." – Dan Colemenares, lecturing Adam Greenwood on how to direct a comedy.

 

• "I just feel like getting drunk and forgetting everything tonight" – Sean Seivers, proclaimed after a couple hours of sex with Hannah Arbaugh

 

• "Not with that cough." – Kate Lawniczak, stating why Beau Kaelin couldn’t see his college advisor about changing his student status.

 

• "You can tell that footage is sped up because the people in the buildings are moving really fast."  -Officer Steve Rigney, commenting on the obvious while watching Koyaanisqatsi.

 

• “I’m sick, Lily.  I’m sick.” Bessye Marlette commenting on her health to Lily Purvis. 

 

• “This place smells like basement and abstinence.” – Jeff Holman, upon entering Star Wars Celebration III

 

• “Don’t we ever learn our lesson?  We are not a multiplex!” –John Patterson, his usual Tuesday rant after seeing film bookings.

 

On to Quotes #100 - 76