Photo Title: The Leverage Miracle

Taken: March 21, 2005

I think it only appropriate to begin this tale with a verse from the Book of Walter, Chapter 49.

"Then, on that blessed day, Walter, son of Gabriel, husband of Lisa, begetter of Walter Jr., Daniel and John, did transfer his inglorious work of architecture to the conveyance well-crafted of the soil's precious ores, so it may be resurrected upon terrain befitting the greater glory of God.  Not once did Walter, son of Gabriel, husband of Lisa, begetter of Walter Jr., Daniel and John, lay his hands upon the timber physique of the cumbersome enclosure, yet he lifted it from the ground in the absence of arduousness.  This triumph was witnessed by none, save the Lord Our God. When Walter's followers beheld his success, they doubted Walter and cast him from their flock.  The Lord did tell Walter: "Fear not, My Son.  If they cast stones of incredulousness out of nonplussed mentalities, abhor them not.  For you shall be welcomed into My Kingdom with open arms.  The Glory of My Kingdom shall be your handicraft, for It is inundated with drywall cracks, rusted downspouts and shingles in need or repair or replacement."  Then Walter, son of Gabriel, husband of Lisa, begetter of Walter Jr., Daniel and John, spake, asking "O Lord, Creator of Heaven and Earth in the absence of power tools, would I also be permitted in Heaven to build additions to Your Kingdom, only to complete said constructions three-fourths of the way and leave those imperfections untended for countless millennia?"  The Lord then did reply, "Yes, My Son" and Walter, son of Gabriel, husband of Lisa, begetter of Walter Jr., Daniel and John, did feast upon the land and its Miller High Lives and Sam's Club rotisserie fowl and God was praised."

Actually, I don't even need to explain anything.  That's pretty much the way it went.  But for those who lack the ability to interpret the symbolism behind the Bible's works, I shall elucidate. However, the complexities of this tale's fundamental awe necessitate ample exposition.  For that, we must travel back in time to October 2003.  While working on the roof, my father fell off of his ladder.  Nay, plummeted.  To be specific, approximately 25 feet onto the concrete patio behind our home.  His two wrists and a portion of his face were shattered, but he survived.  On to surgery.

"Walter Kaelin, craftsman.  A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic craftsman. Walter Kaelin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster."  Actually, no he wasn't.  After being doped up on pain pills for months and going through surgery after surgery, the skeletal structure of his arms and face are clad in metal (like Wolverine sans adamantium). The end result is the movement in his left wrist is very restricted and his right wrist is permanently locked into place, allowing for no movement at all.

Now that we've covered that, on to the future again (and by future, I mean past since this occurred in 2005 and it is currently 2006.  However, time being subjective, it is the future when using the previous anecdote as a base reference).  My father decided to move the shed.  No one was home.  Therefore, he did it by himself.  Look at the photo closely and you will notice that he has removed the shed from its foundation and placed it atop a vehicle trailer, sitting approximately three feet above the ground.  How did he do it?  No one knows because no one was there.  I asked him and his reply was, "If you understand basic physics like balance and leverage, it's easy"  Oh, well that makes since.  My father's John Nash (so would that make me a figment of his schizophrenic mind then?).

So, in short, my dad is a mathematical genius.  He can construct entire homes by himself, erecting the framework of two story buildings without assistance.  He can lift entire structures several feet from the ground without the functional use of his hands or strength.  Yet he can't prop a ladder up against a house without falling off.  Something is amiss here.  I don't know what the missing piece of the puzzle is, but I shall find it.  Mark my words, I shall find it!

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